FML Twilight
by RushedUponATime
Summary: F my life, twilight edition. See what the characters have to say about their life and the random comments left after each story.
1. Mike Newton

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I was walking with this girl I liked to my locker, until she suddenly stopped at the corner and said she had to make a call. I nodded and told her to meet me at my locker. While I was at my locker I got a text message from an unknown number, and once I finished reading it my crush shows up. I ask her "What's the date, today?" And she replies "April 30, why?" and looks at me curiously. "Oh…I just thought it was April 1st because I got this text." She gives me a confused look, so I grabbed my phone and showed her the text. It read "Hey, do you want to go to the movies? From B.S. Her eyebrows scrunched together indicating she was slightly annoyed, frowning she asked "What's wrong with it?" I sighed and said "B.S…" but she was still clueless, so I said "Bullshit, you know like an April Fool's prank." Realization dawned on her face and then she turned slightly red. I thought that she was embarrassed that she didn't get the meaning, until she said "Umm…that's my name." I mentally slapped myself as I thought "Bella Swan." Now it was my turn to turn red, and I replied stupidly "Uh…sure" just as the bell went. She nodded and said "Well I guess I'll talk to you later" and walked off. FML.

By: Mikey

Comments:

1. LOL, that was so funny. – by ChokingOnLaughter

2. LMAO, that made my day – by RollingOnTheGround

3. Poor girl, having a name like that must suck – by FullOfPity

4. Yeah, she should probably change it, to something else so this won't happen again – by NeedForChange

5. Personally I think that wouldn't happen if it was a NORMAL GUY who got the message. – by MyHonestOpinion

6. I second that, this guy's a NOOB – by WhatADisgrace

7. You're such an idiot!!! – by GuysLikeYouAreStupid

8. That's just sad dude, for you to think it was a April Fool's joke, you must not get out much – by Player101

9. Aww, I agree with #3, I would die if I had BS for my initials and you embarrassed her about it – by FeelSorryForOthers

10. Well, it's not like he did it on purpose; I'm sure he feels bad about it too. – by IGotYourBack

11. My, my youth these days and their minds… - by ConcernedParent

12. OMG, you seriously did that, what a loser – by That'sUnbelievable

13. Wow, amazing that girl is still going to out with you, I would have dumped you on the spot – by ItWouldBeOver

14. You deserve to be physically slapped in the face for that, jerk – I'dDoTheHonors

15. Man, I can't wait to hear about the date it'll probably end in a disaster at this rate - KeepMeUpdated


	2. Rosalie Hale

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I realized my brother actual likes this girl, and he usually doesn't even give a shit about them. That girl is new to our school and is a pretty ordinary brunette and she has him head over heels for her, while he didn't even give me a second look, and I'm tall, blonde and have a model with all the right curves in the right places, basically the perfect cheerleader type of girl. FML

By: GoldenRose

Comments:

1. Umm, maybe the reason is he's your brother! – by StatingTheObvious

2. ……… - by I'mSpeechless

3. OH WOW. – by MouthHangingOpen

4. Someone's jealous – JustAdmitIt

5. You expected your brother check you out? – by That'sSoSick

6. That just sounds wrong – by HearNoEvil

7. That is wrong, on so many levels – by TopplingTower

8. Incest… - by IDidMyScienceHomework

9. Hmmm, you seem like my type of girl – by Everybody'sTypeOfGuy

10. Aww, damn, there goes another one – by LoverBoy

11. FAIL – by YouGotBeat

12. You seems like a stuck up bitch – by Anonymous

13. Very cocky and full of yourself– by DownToEarth

14. Blondes don't always mean perfect cheerleader – by BrunetteCheerleader

15. I know that's so stereotypical, I'm blonde and don't have that kind of attitude – AgainstDiscrimination

16. Apples :) – Randomness

17. LOL, that's more funny than this story - EasilyAmused

18. What was the point of this? Are we supposed to feel sorry for you? – I'mConfused

19. Jeesh, just get over it – PeopleTheseDays


	3. Jasper Hale

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (New Moon) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, it was my brother's girlfriend's 18th birthday and we threw her a party at our house, that ended in a complete disaster because I tried to jump her and when my brother interfered he knocked her into the cake, which made me want to eat her even more and then to make matters worse I did it in front of the whole family, including my own girlfriend! FML

By: Jazz

Comments:

1. Very nice! – by YouGoMan

2. Whoa there, calm yourself! – by ChillOut

3. Mmm, she fell in the cake, no wonder you had a hard time controlling yourself, all that whipping cream just begging to be licked – by SweetTongue

4. *Sigh* Teenagers and their crazy hormones. – by TheOlderGeneration

5. I'm glad I'm pass that stage, and settled down – by HappilyMarried

6. Congratulations! – by BestWishes

7. Thanks – by HappilyMarried

8. The Bro Code!!! Rule 1. Your brother's girlfriends and exes are off limits – by JustSoYouKnow

9. Never knew there was such a thing, is there any more? – by I'mSoOutOfIt

10. Rule 2. Bros before Hoes – by JustSoYouKnow

11. Is #9 a girl? Because every guy knows that. – by FYI

12. Hey, #11 that's sexism – by GirlsAndBoysAreEqual

13. Not really if #9 is a guy, but than I think that might be worse because he's either a nerd, gay or really old – by NoOffence

14. #13 that wasn't very nice to criticize people and it is offensive to #9 and of those you listed – by NothingAgainstThem

15. I know its assholes like #13 who make this world so fucked up – by TryingToGetAPointAcross

16. Yeah, and double timers who tried to jump their brother's girlfriend, smart… - by TheOnlyOne

17. You've got balls to that, you have my utter respect – by FollowHisExample

18. No, no, no don't do that or listen to #17!!!! – by IRepeatDon'tDoIt

19. You have got gut to do that in front of your brother, girlfriend and parents– by ATrueMan

20. I would beat anyone who tries to pull that trick on me – by KnockedOutCold

21. He should receive two slaps one from his brothers girlfriend and one from his girlfriend and a major ass whipping from his brother then a lector from his parents about cheating – by FaceTheConsequences

22. If you were my son, I would kick you out of the house, I'll have none of that happening under my roof! – by StrictFather

23. Dude rent a hotel room!

P.S. Try it with your girlfriend, not someone else – by StayFaithful

24. If your going to cheat, at least do it in privacy, how about a locked room for example – by ALittleAdvice

25. Don't encourage it, and don't think you can get away with it either, for there will be evidence, eventually you will be busted and justice shall be served – by SlipUp

26. I know, once I found out my boyfriend was cheating I dumped him and so did the girl he was cheating on, who thought she was his only girlfriend, apparently there were others too, but never again, the whole campus now knows and he can't play his dirty games and false charades anymore – by TheExperienced

27. Aww I'm sorry to hear that, but glad you found out that he was a manipulative manwhore – by TheBrightSide

28. I've especially brought a pair of 6 inch stiletto heels, if that shit should ever happen to me they should do the job very nicely – by BePrepared

29. Ouch that's going to hurt, if it's what I think it's going to be used for, but good idea – by HaveNoMercy

30. Kids, I hope you learned your lesson, don't mess with girls, it's very dangerous – by ThingsMayTurnUgly

31. Wonder if his girlfriend dumped that two-timing bastard yet? – by QuestionsWithNoAnswers

32. Don't call him that it's not as bad as what you sick perverts make it sound – by Shopaholic

33. How would you know about it, huh, unless you were his girlfriend – by TheTruth

34. …….. – by Shopaholic

35. Oh God, she is, and she sticking up for her man, he's not worth it – by YouCanDoBetter

36. Would care to explain what he was doing then? – by PleaseEnlightenUs

37. Well it's not what you guys are talking about that's for sure and he is worth it, he is one of the sweetest guy I've ever known – by Shopaholic

38. What is he a cannibal or something? – by BeingSarcastic

39. Never mind, you people are too shallow to overlook the flaws and mistakes to see how we were meant for each other, I've waited years for him and even chased him across the country, you'll never understand the chemistry we have, that he is my true love and soul mate – by Shopaholic

40. Teenage girls are blinded by love, hopefully she'll snap out of it before it's too late – by OpenYourEyes

41. I think it's already too late for her, did you see what she wrote? – by SadlyShakingHead

42. She's seems like a nice girl, so you better treat her right this time, or I will hunt you down – by I'mNotAStalker

43. Poor girl is in denial and finding excuses to defend him – by HopelessLoving

44. Well, since she giving him a second chance, I don't think I should question her decision, so instead I'll wish you guys the best of luck – by WhateverYouLike


	4. Bella Swan

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (New Moon) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, my boyfriend dumps me, a few days after my birthday, he says it's for my own good, and that it was an unhealthy relationship, but I think those were all excuses, the real reason is that I got a paper cut! Now his whole family is moving out of town, so I can't even see them anymore, and he took all the photos, and my present that he gave, leaving me nothing to remember him by. Except his voice which I can imagine hearing but, only when I do dangerous stunts, that's life-risking, warning me to stop, just a little hope that he still cares about me. FML

By: BrokenBells

Comments:

1. Oh that sucks to be dumped after your birthday – by WorstOfTiming

2. Well at least he dumped you after your birthday, so hopefully his present will make you feel better. – by SilverLining

3. Can you read? He took back the present! – by PayAttention

4. That's so mean of him to back the pictures, now you can't even rip them, and cheap, he couldn't even let you keep the present – by TisTisTis

5. Maybe it's better that way, so you don't have to look at them and be sad and heart-broken – by ACleanCut

6. Trust your instincts, for they are your six sense and are fairly accurate most of the time – by BelieveInYourself

7. Yeah, your gut instinct is usually right, if your think his excuses are bullshit, then they probably are – by ThatFeeling

8. I don't think so, well not this time, his reasons are more legit than a paper cut, she's just being paranoid – by SeriouslyWTF

9. Actually that paper cut could have caused her to bleed and stain something valuable of his – by ThePossibilities

10. Come on, what valuable things could she ruin of his, the most is a $45 shirt? He took back her birthday present for God's sake! – by ThinkingCritically

11. It could be his parents' limited edition leather white couch, but that's highly unlikely because my parents already own it! – by RichKid

12. What was the point of that? – by ThatWasPointless

13. Just some spoiled brat, who's bragging about his parents success, while they sit on there ass doing nothing and get the money handed to them, while the rest of us work – by MyOwnTwoHands

14. Her boyfriend could be scared of blood, so he probably couldn't stand her being careless and clumsy – by LowTolerance

15. Everyone gets hurt once and a while, we all can't be covered in pillows 24/7 – by AccidentsDoHappen

16. If he has a fear of blood, he's suffering from hemophobia – by FutureDoctor

17. I only know arachnophobia, the fear of spiders, blah those eight legged freaks – by ArachnidHater

18. Totally agreed with #17 I hate spiders and bugs – by EwToInsects

19. What is it when you hear voices in your head? – by NotAGenius

20. Crazy, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out – by TheAverage

21. That's the wrong term, it's called when you have hallucinations – by SlightlyBetter

22. No, hallucinations is when you see things, I think it's delusional – by NiceTry

23. Technically, #21 could be right, it's a auditory hallucinations – by TheDictionary

24. Technically? This doesn't even have anything to do with mechanics!?!? – by ProperEnglish

25. Medically, it's a mental illness, schizophrenia, where the person suffers from the things listed above, being withdrawn from reality into their minds – by Dr. Gerandy

26. It's when you see, what you can not be, and when you hear, what's not there! – by Dr. Suess

27. I suggest you see a doctor or a therapist about your problems, you seem slightly unstable – by ForYourOwnGood

28. Slightly unstable! This break-up got her suicidal did you see what she wrote "Dangerous stunts, that's life-risking" – by QuoteUnquote

29. Who needs dangerous stunts, all you need is a knife and your wrists – by EmoGuy

30. What is your problem, can't you see she's already in distress, you're not helping by giving any ideas #29 – by AnotherPushDown

31. Please don't try to kill yourself, things will work out eventually, just give it some time – by DeathNotTheAnswer

32. No wonder his whole family moved, she probably threaten them with her twisted mind – by RunAway

33. More like annoy his family, and bug them about where her exe boyfriend is, she loves him too much to hurt him – by AskAndAskAgain

34. She'll probably stalk them through bushes trying to sneak a peak of him, because her mental state is causing her to become obsessed – by JustOneLook

35. Try hiding in a variety of spots, up trees, behind walls, and in his closet, it's better and it's less likely to get caught – by SneakyNinja

36. Great, now they have to install security cameras, everywhere, to surveillance the house, and alarms so she can't break in – by ProtectionNeeded

37. She can't pull it off, all they need is a fence and she'll fall off climbing it – by NoWorries

38. Why are you people making fun her, because she has a few issues, don't we all, so don't judge her on them, we all have times when we hit rock bottom, and do stupid things, so instead of giving another kick, give a hand and some support – by StayStrong

39. I agree with #38, life's not over, it's just a bump in the road, continue moving forward the hard times will pass – by HoldOn

40. Teenage drama, I remember when I was that age, crying and eating ice-cream was all I could do that night, but by the next day I had a new crush – by You'llGetOverIt

41. Tomorrow is a new day, and a fresh start, so just put this behind you and don't back for it's now the past – by MovingOn

42. Cut loose, and throw yourself out there because there's plenty of fish in the ocean, like there are guys in this world, so maybe you've caught a boot this time, but add some bait, and the fish will come, eventually you'll make your catch, so what are you waiting for bring on the fish nets and poles – by RatherSuggestive

43. Hey now that you're single, the boys will be swarming to put a ring on it – by SingleLadies

44. NO. I HATE RINGS! – by BrokenBells


	5. Alice Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (New Moon) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I'm returning to face two angry parents after my disappearance for a few days. Hopefully they'll listen to my reasoning, which will sound pretty crazy considering the things I did in the past few days. First I get false news from my sister that my best friend (my brother's exe girlfriend) jumped off a cliff in attempts of suicide, and sneak off to attend her funeral without my family knowing especially my brother since he forbid me to see her. In a rush to go, I didn't eat for a few days, and when I reach my destination I find out that it was all a misunderstanding. Apparently my brother got the same news, so called to confirm and coincidentally, the person who answered said her father was at a funeral. Assuming that she was dead, my brother went to Italy, causing my friend and me to fly to Italy, in order to chase him down. During the plane ride, my boyfriend called to ask if I was ok, after I abruptly left, I had to lie and say I'm totally fine, and will be coming home soon, though I didn't even know if I was for sure going to make it back alive. Then in Italy, I had to steal a car and bribe the security, to make it to the clock tower by 12. Finally things were solved and my brother and friend are back together and now we're heading back home to face some pretty pissed off parents, and to top things off, I didn't even get to go shopping it Italy! FML

By: Shopaholic

Comments:

1. Those were some hectic days and probably wild nights you had going there – by OutOfControl

2. That story did seem a little far fetched; how about try something less dramatic – by ToneItDown

3. Yeah, I'd leave out the car stealing and security bribing; you probably don't want to get in anymore trouble than it already is – by TakeAHint

4. Come on, I'm sure you can do better than that, seriously booking it to Italy, stealing cars, bribing security, can you at least make this believable – by WhatHaveYouBeenSmoking

5. I agree with #4, this story sounds like a total fake, you're screwed either way, if they listen or not, I suggest you not to bother explaining – by SaveYourBreathe

6. That's worse than my dog ate my homework – by LameExcuses

7. This excuse is almost as bad as the rumor that started it all, and rumors are plain bullshit, so I hope that explains your excuse, it barely beat it– by JustAnInch

8. Rumors totally sucks, just lies, that cause pointless fights and problems, because someone is jealous – by NotBringingMeDown

9. Hmm, I see your sister is a gossip girl, she should join the club – by EliteGG

10. The lesson here is just ignore them, if you don't well, guess you're probably going to Italy – by SeeExample

11. Wait, so if my girlfriend is assumed dead, I go to Italy? - by MakesNoSense

12. I know! Why would her boyfriend go to Italy, shouldn't he go to her funeral back home, her body not going to be in Italy – by LostInDirection

13. Maybe something is happening in Italy, so he decided to go there instead – by OtherThingsToDo

14. If it's was during the nineteenth, then it was Saint Marcus Day – by HolidayCalendar

15. Wow, he decided to go partying after he heard of his girlfriend's death – by Heartless

16. Even his sister went without eating for days to see her one last time and help out with her family – by SisterHoodTight

17. How did she manage to eat without days to visit her? – by AlwaysHungry

18. When people are sick with the flu or feeling worried, they won't have the appetite, which seems to be the case here – by TheAnalogist

19. Or she could be anorexic, suffering from an eating disorder, they can survive without eating for days, to be skinny, I advise they get help to treat it immediately, it's very unhealthy if it continues – by HealthOfficer

20. I'll go with the #18, it seems more likely, I wouldn't feel like eating either, if I found out my friend just attempted suicide off a cliff – by SkinWalker

21. It was really nice of you to go help, but what about your parents they must be worried sick that you snuck off, without telling them, hope you left a message – by That'sVeryInconsiderate

22. If you went missing for a couple a days, I don't think your parents will be the only ones looking for you, the police squad will probably be out having a search party – by GoneMissing

23. More like tracking you down to put you behind the bars, I hope you're underage (under 18) so you can go to youth detention hall (juvenile jail) if not, well you're in deep shit, kiss you clean permanent record good-bye – by TheWantedList

24. Larceny (theft) is a serious criminal offence, some consequences could be suspension of drivers license, a fine up to $150,000 and 2-7 years in prison – by LawEnforcer

25. Well that's only if you get caught, and by now it's probably too late, she's already on the plane back home from Italy, and I don't think it's serious enough to have boarder patrols out, you're lucky you got away this time – by Don'tGetCaught

26. If you ever in a tight situation, remember Jason Scott, Attorney Law, we do settlements to work things out without going to court, if it doesn't then we can take it to court, and if all else fails, we also forge documents – by GiveMeACall

27. Fake documents, very professional up there # 26 – by NotReally

28. Yup, I would so remember to call you if I need help, NOT, more like call the police for misleading clients - by ThinkAgain

29. Encouraging more crimes, like illegal passports, is against the law, you could get you license taken away and firm closed, believe me it had happen before – by ExeLawyer

30. Grand Theft Auto, I love that game – by GamerFreak

31. Haha same, by the way how'd did you pull that off in real life – by AnyCheats

32. Doubt she would give away the trade secret – by StrictlyConfidental

33. Damn, I really wanted a new car, too, my car sucks it's ancient barely even starts – by Beetle1947

34. Don't diss those cars, I love them, for every time I see one, I can punch my friends – PunchBuggysRock

35. Hey, have you any of you guys seen the news lately because one of the stories are quite similar, "_Today, a lost yellow Porsche Turbo that was reported missing was located by the clock tower and the security guards on duty that day was allegedly arrested for letting the criminal in without checking properly, further reports indicate that a stack of a thousand dollar bills was found in a particular security guard's bag, making him a prime suspect." _Other stories were accounts of missing people who were tourists in Italy, but they don't seem to be connected. – by TheGlobalNews

36. How the hell did a security guard so irresponsible get hired, if he doesn't go to prison he should at least get fired for lack of his duties and dishonesty, what is this world coming to? –by ToIt'sEnd

37. Hello, something is seriously wrong with this picture, letting a criminal in with a bribe of money, lucky this time it was just a car thief, next time could be terrorist trying to bomb the place! – by DarkenedRemains

38. The police need to be doing there job better, in catching criminals and hiring the right people to do it – by GetToWork

39. Hopefully this is just a one time shot, but it shouldn't even happen at all if they thought of that earlier – by BetterLateThanNever

40. We apologize for the flaws in our security system, we will now be taking more careful considerations when hiring employees for safety measures – by ThePoliceDepartment

41. You may have got away this time, but next time we will find the evidence – by YouHaveBeenWarned

42. So the FML story was true, why would you put something like it up, now the police hot on your trail, and are watching you – by EverHeardOfSecrecy

43. No, wonder you told your boyfriend a lie about your safety that's so scary, your friend and you could have been one of those missing tourists – by WhiteLies

44. But still lying in a relationship is very unhealthy, even if it was for his own good not to worried, he'll get still get hurt once he finds out – by ComeClean

45. Next time if something like this happens bring him along, but hopefully never again, maybe a vacation instead and he can pay for the bill after your shopping spree – by NeedAMan

46. You should have stay a while longer when you were here, there was a major fashion show, with the latest trends, clothing, shoes, purses, and accessories – by YouMissedOut

47. Why didn't you, Italy is the number one place for fashion in the world, the best qualities, newest styles, and expensive brand names , believe me, I know, I live here – by ProudItalian

48. Don't rub it in, it's already horrible enough she didn't get to go shopping at all let alone check out the fashion show, that's just cruel – by FellowShopaholic

49. Saving the relationship is a better accomplishment, those other things are just materials, you could live without, but without family it's a tragedy, for they are the people that will help you when your in need and support you when no one else does – by LookingOutForEachOther

50. Aww this is so cute it's like Cinderella, where you guys have to make it to the before the clock strikes twelve – by ModernFairyTales

51. You are their fairy God Mother, you got the couple together again, and now you all will live happily ever after - by TheSweetestEndings

52. Now all you have to do is face some upsets parents, they wouldn't happen to be step, would they? – by AnyChance

53. If they are then that would explain your evil (step) sister – by EveryStoryHasOne


	6. Jacob Black

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (New Moon) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, the girl that I like officially got back with her ex boyfriend, once they returned from Italy. I thought I had a chance once he dumped her, and I stepped into his place, sewing her broken heart back together, but guess not. We had some good times together, fixing cars, riding motorcycles, walking around the beach, going to the movies, hanging out my group of friends, and going to each other houses, even sneaking there in the middle of the night, I seriously thought we had something going. Maybe if I kissed her she'll realize I'm more than just a friend, but unfortunately every time I try there was interference, like the phone call, which was from her ex boyfriend and his sister walking in on us. The closest I've got to a kiss was a sly one on her cheek when she was sleeping! FML.

By: SecondBest

Comments:

1. Tough luck, man – by TheUnfortunate

2. Aww, that sucks :( - by SaddnessSpreads

3. Don't be sad, she's not worth your time; there'll be other girls – by NextPlease

4. Yeah, if she decides to go back to her ex, despite him dumping her, instead of you, who was there supporting her than she's an ungrateful bitch, who doesn't deserve your love – by UnworthyPeople

5. Well, if he dumped her once, he could do it again, and you'll be there and maybe then she'll realize – by SeeTheLight

6. Don't bother, if she went back to him once, she could do it again, and you'll be left out AGAIN – by NoteTheEmphasis

7. I'm sorry, but someone has to break it to you, face reality, it's over – by RealLife

8. Actually it never even started… - by GettingAheadOfOurselves

9. She was just using you as a replacement, a safe harbor, she wasn't serious, you should have known that eventually this would happen – by YourOwnFault

10. She's just a user and abuser, you're better off without her – by LuckyBreak

11. That girl has no class or dignity, after getting dumped, she just crawls back into her ex's lap just like that – by SnapOfFingers

12. Ouch, that was harsh #9, he's already been through enough, without you degrading his intelligence – by You'reNotDumb

13. #11 you make her seem like a slut, it's probably not even like that – by NotEvenClose

14. Once a drug addict, always a drug addict – by SoDon'tStart

15. What does that got to do with getting back your ex? – by VeryIrrelevant

16. I think the point is that girl's hooked so she'll always go back no matter what – by ReadingBetweenTheLines

17. Ever heard of rehab? – by PlacesOfHelp

18. It's only temporary, in the end they always return back their there old habits – by BackAgain

19. Why do you people care if she's back with her ex? – by NoneOfOurBusiness

20. Because she's leaving out a perfect guy right here, right in front of her eyes – by MustBeBlind

21. Cold-hearted bitch, she gives females, the bad name – by RuinedReputation

22. Leave the poor girl alone, it's not her fault she can't control her love, and feelings, she's only human and going through a hard time, so leave her alone – by StopTheHarassment

23. #22 speech seems awfully familiar… - by Can'tQuiteRemember

24. Totally agreed, I think I've seem a video like that on YouTube, but can't remember it either – by OnTheTipOfMyTongue

25. #19 it's kind of hard not to, since it's all over the web – by OutInPublic

26. It never said they were in any relationship, they are friends, just a one sided love on the guy's part – by NothingHappened

27. Great times fixing cars…that just sounds boring, only times I'm near a car is when I'm in it – by NiceRide

28. That's awesome riding motorcycles, if she doesn't appreciate that then I would – by BeMyBadBoy

29. Sneaking into each other houses at night and still no action? I could never pull that off – by ActionPacked

30. What do you guys do instead; watch chick flicks all night? – by TheNotebook?

31. If that's true then no wonder you got no where, she probably thinks of you as a just friend – by MakeAMove

32. You deserved it, for being such a pussy about, if you like her, you should have just told her, now it's kind of late – by MissedYourChance

33. There's still time, just as long as their not married yet, tell her, so she'll have a choice – by PotentialSuitors

34. Just come out! – by IsItThatHard?

35. #34 you make it sound like he's going to tell her he's gay rather than confess his feelings – by SoundingWrong

36. Sha-la-la-la-la-la My, oh, my Look at the boy too shy He ain't gonna kiss the girl, Sha-la-la-la-la-la Ain't that sad Ain't it shame, too bad You gonna miss the girl, – by YourFutureFate

37. Go on and kiss the girl! – by Disney'sLittleMermaid

38. Actually he tried, but something came up – by SomethingAlwaysDoes

39. That's kind of ironic how even with her boyfriend gone, he still calls to ruin the moment – by NeverTheRightTime

40. Wow, even his sister has a part in this, maybe he paid her off, to do that – by BribingOthers

41. At least you haven't made a move yet, my younger sister walked in on me and my girlfriend, during a hot make out secession, what a turnoff – by DamnLittleSisters

42. You've probably burned her eyes and destroyed her innocence, she'll be scarred for life – by DamnBigBrothers

43. It's called a locked door – by SimpleSolutions

44. Well, you did get to kiss her on the cheek, so there's a start, next time, try for the lips or when she's awake – by That'sAnImprovement

45. Only a kiss on the cheek, could have gone for the lips, or maybe even more – by TakeTheOpportunity

46. If you do that to her now, her boyfriend's going to beat you up - by BetterWatchYourBack

47. You did take advantage of her, maybe not in a physical way, but going to her after she just broke up with her boyfriend, when she was insecure and vulnerable – by PlayingOnEmotions

48. That was low… - by NeverSinkToThatLevel

49. That was a cheap shot, and coming from me that's pretty messed, since I take advantage of drunk and totally wasted girls – by OneNightStands

50. #49 if you taken advantage of girls when they're asleep or not sober, that would be called sexual harassment or even rape, they can file in complaints – by WomenAbuseProgram

51. The lesson here is alcohol and people don't mix, if it ever does, the way of solving it would be a complete disaster trying to remember what to do, (or what you did), and the answer would be a major hangover maybe add a baby depending on the variables of protection – by Life'sMathematicalEquations

52. Blah! Math, must it appear everywhere? – by HadEnoughAtSchool

53. Hey are you the guy who picked up phone in the other FML, which caused the girl and her ex-boyfriend's sister to fly to Italy? – by MakingConnections

54. How would you know, unless you sit at home and read FML's all day, which you probably do, so FYL for having no life, and reading up on other people's – by GetALife

55. #54 you' re such a hypocrite, looks who's on FML and commenting – by SameAppliesToYou

56. If you were the guy who answered the phone, then FYL cause you just made it possible for them to get back together, so if were you I would be banging my head against a wall right about now – by UnintentionalMatchMaker


	7. Edward Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Eclipse) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and her best friend who just so happens to be a guy that likes her, and she somewhat returns the feelings. To makes matter worse during our little camping trip, on a mountain, we weren't very prepared and my girlfriend was freezing from the cold. So she ended up sleeping with the other guy because he had a higher body temperature than me. Also she has a habit of sleep talking and mostly says my name, but this time she also said his name. Now she feels guilty that she has feelings for another man, but I feel even guiltier since, I created this opportunity by dumping her in attempts to protect her and for her to move on and find someone better. Which she did, but later we realized we were still in love, so got back together, now things are complicated. FML.

By: CampingMishaps

Comments:

1. Fun…camping with your girlfriend and her other lover – by HighTensions

2. Why did you bring him along? – by SomeThingsAreMeantToBeLeftBehind

3. Must be awkward for him being the third-wheel – by OddOneOut

4. I'll volunteer my assistance – by NeedAFourth?

5. Bring blankets if you're camping up in a mountain – by SurvivalTips

6. That's a given… - by WhatAmateurs

7. Forgetting the blankets when camping is like forgetting to eat breakfast in the morning! – by ComparingFacts

8. That's so irresponsible your girlfriend could have suffered from frostbites and hypothermia – by TheColdBites

9. She probably did…Have you seen the weather reports, it was in the negatives - by TemperatureDrop

10. Well at least there was a purpose for the other guy – by PersonalHeater

11. What!?!? You just sat there and let them DO IT because they were cold – by HowCouldYou?

12. Maybe they planned it, by purposely "forgetting" the blankets, so they could warm each other by friction – ASetUp

13. I think they just shared a sleeping bag – by Don'tJumpToConclusions

14. Why didn't you warm her up instead? – by DoItYourself

15. Because the other guy was hotter! – by HopeHisBodyIsToo

16. No, he's probably fat because that's how his body temperature could be higher, with all the blubber – by UnhealthyWeight

17. Or extremely hairy, maybe even both – by LeadingFactors

18. Hell no that's gross – by PlainNasty

19. He could be perfectly healthy some people just have higher body temperatures – by TheGenetics

20. Well if it makes you feel better, you're cool, because you had a colder body temperature – by ComfortingFriend

21. Hey weren't you cold while they keep each other warm – by AndYourself?

22. A THREESOME! – by TheMoreTheMerrier

23. I don't think the guys would appreciate it that much but the girl might – by TotallyStraight

24. The guys might, you never know – by TryNewThings

25. Love triangle – by ThreeWays

26. Who do you think will get the girl? – by AnyGuesses

27. My bets on her first boyfriend – by FirstLover

28. Same here the first love is always hardest to forget – by LeavesAMark

29. I'm going to say the latter one, because he's able to protect her – by FeelingSecure

30. My money is on the second one for sure, at least he didn't dump her – by NeverComingBack

31. Wait how are we going to out? – by NoResults

32. Keep your eyes open for future FML's with the result – by ThinkOutsideTheBox

33. Ouch, she's saying the other guys name in her sleep, that must hurt – by BurningEars

34. Wonder what dreams she having? – by ProbablySweet

35. Be happy your girlfriend says your more often, it shows she loves you more – by SayMyName

36. The other guy must be cocky, since she's saying his name means he taken a part of her heart from you – by TheFirstStep

37. The next will be catching up and overtaking your position – by ConqueringTheHeart

38. You dump your girlfriend to protect her – by StrangeAffections

39. I'll dedicate this song by Avril Lavigne to you:

_Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?  
I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else  
Gets me frustrated_ – by MusicFillsMySoul

40. That actual works in this situation – by PlaylistYourStory

41. YDI – by NeedISayMore?

42. Karma's a Bitch – by SoIsLife

43. That's not true things will work out, maybe not now, but eventually, have some faith – by BePatient


	8. Carlisle Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Breaking Dawn) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, a teenage boy with the knowledge of ninth grade biology was able to find the cure, which I have failed to do. I've been trying different ways to get nutrients into my patient with foods, pills, and even plugged an IV into her arms, but with no success. All he had to do was suggest giving her blood, which was the obvious solution. A high school student with no medical background is better equipped to save people than me a Doctor! FML

By: Dr. Doctor

Comments:

1. A sixteen year old who passed science nine was able to outsmart a doctor who passed medical school – by DoesSchoolReallyMatter?

2. Maybe the doctor just passed with a C- - by OneOfThose

3. Ouch, what a hit to the ego – by WoundedPride

4. What about the other 50% the doctor failed? – by MissingKnowledge

5. Well, he failed… – by YouSaidSoYourself

6. Halfway into a heart operation: Doctor "Umm…what do I do now? I failed this part in school, I only know how to open the patient, stitches, and prescribe pain killers" Nurse: "I've noticed…the patient has a broken arm." – by FunnySpeeches

7. Yikes, I wouldn't want to be treated by a doctor like that – by CountMeOut

8. That's what you get for skipping dissection projects – by HandOverTheScalpel

9. Ahahaha…#6 that's awesome ever thought about being a comedian? – by CareerChoices

10. One thing's for sure, don't be a doctor – by Don'tWantToDieYet

11. This is all bull, doctors have A's and B's, they won't fail or barely pass – by YouAreSafe

12. Not really, poor girl had to go through all that, getting needles inserted and tubes attached, when all she needed was blood – by UnnecessaryPain

13. Maybe the kid is a genius, so he was able to think of that – by TheTalented

14. Or the doctor is just stupid – by EverThoughtOfThat?

could be your assistant and maybe both of you could find a cure for cancer! – by TwoIsBetterThanOne

16. Nah, that kid could go solo – by MoreProfit

for the teenagers, psssh and people say we are good for nothing – by InYourFace

18. Woot! you go kid – by ShowThemWho'sBoss

19. I know right, just because we are young doesn't mean we just eat, sleep, hang out and spend money – by ButIDoThat

20. Wow #19 you just defeated the purpose – by GoodJob…

21. You forgot the not doing your homework part – by That'sImportant

22. Not all teens are like that, some of us actually DO our homework – by StopTeenageSterotypes

23. There is a medical workshop coming up at the end of the month, find the closest school near you! – by RegisterNow

24. Also there are courses offer at your local hospital to upgrade your skills, you should check those out too! – by ConcernedHealthOfficials

25. So the patient needed a blood transfusion and you gave her pills? Hope those were iron supplements ones… - by ProbablyNot

26. It's okay Doc, people make mistakes, at least you know now – by FutureReference

27. Yeah, sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious – by TheOverLooked


	9. Esme Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Breaking Dawn) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I decided to cook a meal for my daughter's teenage friends staying over at my house; I usually don't cook but I followed the Food Channel when preparing the meal. But they refused to eat so it ended up in the trash. One guest actually ate road kill over my cooking. FML

By: CookingDisasters

Comments:

1. Wonder why... – by Don'tYou?

2. Let me take a guess, the food was worse than roadkill? –by AmIRight?

3. The only thing that could be worse would be shit – by OnlySpeakingTheTruth

4. Take the hint never cook again – by WastedFood

5. Why didn't you eat it instead of throwing it out? – by ThatBadEh?

6. Damn, that's sad even the chef won't eat it! – by ShamefulCooking

7. Even following the Food Channel won't help, if you mistake salt for sugar – by TrustMeIAlreadyTried

8. My God, those children are so picky – by WhatSpoiledBrats

9. It's probably not that bad, I would volunteer to eat it next time- by GuineaPig

10. Ship it to the people in Africa! – by TheyWouldAppreciateIt

11. Don't just single Africa out - by That'sMeanAndRacist

12. How about support 3 world countries – by ABetterWorld

13. Donate for a good cause -by WorldVision

14. Yea, like the Japan Earthquake, Tsunami, and Nuclear Crisis – by RecentNews

15. Ooh I was watching clips, a VAN got carried away from the Flood – by LikeWhoa

16. Wait, why don't usually cook, pizza 24/7? – by FastFoodJunkie?

17. Nothing wrong with that! – by DefensiveEater

18. There most definitely is something wrong! Children need home cook meals – by OldFashionedHome

19. Best are chocolate chip cookies – by Grandma'sSecretRecipe

20. Well it's the 21st century and things get busy, not everyone is a stay at home wife / cook – by WorkAlcoholic

21. Ladies, Ladies, how about home cook meals sometimes, and instant ones others – by BalancedLifeStyle

22. Hey, who said only ladies cook? ? – by ManTheGrill

23. #21 hehe – by TattleTale

24. Yup, you are – by AnnoyingLittleKids

25. Actually annoying teens, so disrespectful, should at least try to look like you're eating then dump it when no one's looking – by It'sAllInTheAct

26. Must be raised by a pack of wolves, eating road kill – by WhatSavages

27. They're BEAST – by RAWR!


	10. Charlie Swan

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Breaking Dawn) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I finally visited my daughter, a month after she returned from her honeymoon because she caught some rare disease from South America. When I arrive she has a baby girl in her hands, and my son-in-law tells me, she's his niece from his long lost brother, who died in a car accident. He was so smooth with the story and was always polite but he lied, when I looked in that child's eyes, she had the same chocolate brown as my daughter and me. I knew I should have hooked her up with my friend's son. Finally they admitted that it was their baby, but they only got married last month... The last time I brought up the birds and the bees talk she admitted her mother already beat me to it 10 years ago and also confessed she was still a virgin. But that was a year ago. FML

By – PoliceSwan

1. She lied when she said she was a virgin– by TheOnlyConclusion

2. Maybe she didn't, it was a year ago... – by Outdated

3. It's like the "I'm a virgin" t-shirt with the fine print "But this is an old shirt" on the bottom – by ThoseDarnLoopholes

4. Rare disease my ass – by CompleteBullShit

5. The swine flu? – by ProneToBirds

6. Hate to break it to you but she got knocked up – by TheColdHardTruth

7. Officer Swan you need to do a better job at patrolling or there's going to be more eggs and chicks running around town – by PoultryControl

8. There's already too many duck road crossing signs – by PleaseDon'tAddSwans

9. Nothing wrong with that, Forks in under populated – by WeNeedKnewBlood

10. Something went wrong during the birds and the bees talk – by WasItTheBirdsOrTheBees?

11. Must be the birds, since they're named Swans – by MyBestGuess

12. They didn't have that talk because she already had it with her mother 10 years ago– by BlameTheMom

13. This mistake is both parents responsibilities – by ShareTheBlame

14. Does it matter? they already got married – by NotAProblem

15. Shotgun Wedding! Shotgun Wedding! – by PanicAtTheDisco

16. You're a policeman, bring out the guns – by HeBetterWearABulletProofVest

17. They were married for a month and already have a child – by HowScandalous

18. No, scandalous is 16 and pregnant – by MTVProductions

19. You mentioned you're daughter was 18, she's legal aged to do whatever she wants – by NoLongerAMinor

20. Sorry you're daughter is a whore – by VeryDisgraceful

21. #20 Very disgraceful and pathetic is your life; you are probably an old hag, who doesn't have any children, just 29 cats! – by YouAreAHairBall

22. You tell em', self-righteous people who don't even know the situation and already passing unfair judgements, we don't know the girl, she could be sweet and innocent for all we know and she's being called a slut for no reason. It's from her father's account which is biased for he mentioned he distrusts her current boyfriend, and wanted to hook her to be with his friend's son instead. Even if it is all true it's not really our business and place care, so just fuck off and leave these people in peace. Go teach your own children, I'm sure they're not perfect. – by RantingAtHypocrites

23. They don't have any children! – by LivingThroughOthers

24. I'm against arranged marriages and parents wishes, girls should married for love and who they want not because of family desires to profit – by That'sExposition

25. Poor young couples, let's hope it's not a repeat of Romeo and Juliet – by Let'sAvoidTragedies

26. Over-reaction much, it's the 21st century young people these days do it all the time – by LiveALittle

27. Yea, well living a little causes little babies – by EvenALittleIsTooMuch

28. Use condoms and birth control pills – by SafePractices

29. Some people still respect proper customs and wait till marriage – by SwornCelibacy

30. Maybe did they wait till they got married – by KeepingVirtues

31. A baby in one month, please – by ItTakesNine

32. The groom has some fast swimmers – by SpeedyGonzales

33. Maybe the bride has some mutant eggs, like Lady Gaga's – by BornToBe

34. Her husband's an incubus – by HousingDevilSprawn

35. There's no such thing - by MoreNaturalMeans

36. So that means some late night sneaking in? – by NinjaingAround

37. Tree + window = the parents will never know ;) – by FoolProof

38. But add a fool to the equation and we get the ground + hospital + police – by TotallyBusted

39. But the boy seemed nice – by SweetThing

40. Those are the most dangerous people, they seem all sweet, nice, polite, ect... but actually they have a secret evil persona where they manipulate you – by HoneyLetMeSetYouStraight

41. Did you not read, he lied about his own daughter to avoid getting in shitt – by ShowingHisTrueColors

42. What a jerk, denying his own child – by MeanieBoBeanie

43. He is smooth with lying, a symptom pointing towards a personality disorder of an antisocial – by OneOfTheSigns

44. Antisocial? Isn't that a person with no friends? – by IGoogledIt

45. It's antisocial personality disorder – by GoogleThat

46. It's Hannibal Lector – by SilenceOfTheLambs

47. Better run, he's going to eat you alive! – by BeAfraidBeVeryAfraid

48. I've heard enough! I'm over it the situation, I don't care as long as they are happy and my daughter and granddaughter are loved. I'm settling for just the "Need to know" and I don't need to know these absurd theories. Zip your mouths or I'll unleash my wolf-dog! – by PoilceSwan


	11. Emmett Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Breaking Dawn) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I lost a bet over an arm-wrestling match to my little sister; I have like a hundred pound and a foot advantage over her. I'm the most muscular and ripped out of the family but my stick-skinny sister pounded my arm down into the boulder smashing a piece off! Then she continued karate chopping the boulder until it powdered into dust. I was looking forward to cracking jokes about her sex-life when I won but now I'm just waiting for the next rematch. Which my brother suggests be in a month after my humiliating defeat. FML.

By: BearHunter

Comments:

1. Sucker you got beat by a girl – by She'sAWhipper

2. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy – by EnvironmentallyFriendly

3. Where have I seen that before? Ooh ya I own a t-shirt – by SpreadTheWord

4. Work out some more, Buddy – by 3HoursADay

5. Blowflex :) - by WashBoardAbs

6. Maybe you're not as buff as you think – by OverEstimations

7. Steroids are the way to go! – by TestosteronePower

8. You know over dosing on steroids equals too much testosterone which, gets converted to estrogen, which makes you more of a girl – by BackFiringPlans

9. Maybe your sister popping steroids – by EasyWayOut

10. What a cheater! – by GoodOldFashionWeights

11. World's Strongest Women – by HowManly

12. Yup, too much steroids makes a girl more of a guy – by GoesBothWays

13. You guys broke a boulder? – by SuperHumanStrength

14. Naw its probably those Styrofoam boulders – by MovieSpecialEffects

15. Karate chops, Somersaults, High Kicks, Back Flips, Grinding Hips, Sexy Lips – by GreatInBed

16. Martial arts is full of interesting moves – by TigerClaw

17. You haven't tried Yoga – by DownwardFacingDog

18. Does is involve getting on all fours? – I'dTapThat

19. Someone need sex education – by CountlessPositions

20. Horny guys, turning everything into sex – by DirtyMindedBoys

21. Maybe some people are sensitive cause they do get any – by Non-existenceSexLife

22. Ooo some1 got pwned 2day! – by InMoreWaysThanOne

23. Mario Party anyone? – by PrincessPeach1999

24. Noooob! That's such a sissy game, you need the real action Halo, Call of Duty, shit like that – by BasementGamer

25. Yeahh Mann! – by HeadShotSniper

26. Those games are so nasty and violent; people get blown up into pieces – by HowIsThatFun?

27. That's soooo fun blowing up stuff – by PyroFreak

28. Girl's don't try to understand – by MaleTwistedMindFrame

29. Boys and their toys – by AmusedGirl

30. Girls and their pearls and other expensive needs – by ConfusedBoy

31. Not all girls are gold diggers, the majority of girls are happy just being with their boyfriends – by NormalStandards

32. BearHunter can you even hold a gun? – by YouSeemWeak

33. Maybe just in video games – by ShootingBears

34. What game has bear shooting? By I'veOnlyHeardOfDuckShooting

35. Open Season – by AKidGame

36. No, he goes teddy bear hunting for his sister – by CallOfBrotherlyDuty

37. I ACTUALLY GO GRIZZLY BEAR HUNTING; I SNAP THE NECKS AND DRAIN THEIR BLOOD UNLIKE YOU LAZY KIDS THAT LIFE REVOLVES IN A VIRTAL GAME! DON'T GET ME STARTED ON SEX-LIFE MY WIFE AND I ALREADY KNOCKED DOWN A BILLION HOUSES DESTROYED FROM THREE FLOORS TO THE GROUND LEVEL! NO OTHER HUMAN IN THE WORLD IS STRONGER THAN ME; I'LL BREAK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IN ARM-WRESTING! GRRRRRRR!– BY RAGINGBEARHUNTER

38. Oh. Mr Bear you sound like a mean beast in bed but I'm a wild cat, we should have some fun in a bush sometime – by ICanKeepUp

39. HANDS OFF PUSSYCAT HE'S MINE – by GoldenRose

40. Thought you only liked your brother – by ReadYourLastEntry

41. ... Creeper... – by GoldenRose

42. You're not the strongest human in the world, you're younger sister beat you – by MemoryRefresher

43. SHUT THE FUCK UP! – by RAGINGBEARHUNTER

44. The bear has spoken – by AndHeAin'tHappy

45. Fuck them, their idiots – by GoldenRose

46. I'd rather you – by BearHunter

47. Ok, meet you in the garden ;) – by GoldenRose

48. Don't eat any apples! They're forbidden fruit – by GodWon'tBeHappy

49. Too late for that. Adam and Eve already did – by GoMakeTheDevilProud

50. And there off... – by ThisIsGoingToGetDirty


	12. Renesmee Cullen

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Breaking Dawn) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I found out that my boyfriend, who claims that he's imprinted on me and I'm his only soul mate, actually loved my mom in high school. His excuse was that his attraction for my mom was due to his future love for me and that it was displaced. He already kissed my mom, twice but all I get are hugs. My father even admitted that he once offered my boyfriend a week-end with my mom a week after their honey moon to probably do more! But he's opposed of my relationship with him! My mother attacked my boyfriend because he loves me but she only ever thought of him as a younger brother. Later I find fake ID's and a stash of money for my boyfriend and I to skip the country, this is so fucked up! FML.

By: ChaoticFamilyAffairs

Comments:

1. Your family is pretty fucked up... – by AndThat'sAnUnderstatement

2. This is better than a soap opera – by RealLifeDrama

3. Ouch, second best to your mother! – by ReboundGirl

4. "Displaced love" - UnlikelyStory

5. Your mom must be one hot mother fucker – by LikeLiterally

6. Wait if he dated your mom, he should be at least twice your age – by WhatAPerv

7. Why would you want him? – by He'sSoOld

8. Must be the money! – by MarryRichOldDudes

9. What? It's not like he's the rich dude on Beverley hills that owns the playboy mansion – by ThatTitleAlreadyTaken

10. Second best to Hefner? – by IronyMuch?

11. Not even, there's so many rich people out there- by BottomOfTheList

12. Even the last rich person is still rich – by LogicHasIt

13. Maybe we're thinking about this the wrong way – by SwitchDirections

14. So he's not filthy rich and the age of my grandpa? – by WhyWasteTime?

15. Maybe he was after the money of her mother – by AhaMoment

16. That makes sense, so he couldn't get her so he goes for her daughter – by AlternativePlans

17. The mother still got some action, got to kiss him multiple times – by TheCougarStrikesAgain

18. It could be love! – by NotEverythingAboutTheMoney

19. It ain't about the money, money, money, We don't need your money, money, money, we just wanna make the world dance, forget about the price tag – by JessieJ

20. Well that explains why he only hugs his girlfriend because he still loves her mother – by NotOverIt

21. Then the father's an idiot to let his wife go off with him – by ChangeOfHearts

22. Well he mentioned that he wanted them to do more – by HeExpectedIt

23. A week after the honeymoon too! – by MustHaveDispleasedHim

24. She didn't do her wifely duties well, so he wants to send her off with another man to learn a thing or two! – by PracticeMakesPerfect

25. What kind a husband is he? – by AVeryCrappyOne

26. He doesn't want his daughter to be too good too? – by MaybeAPossibility

27. Brother/sister relationships and father / daughter relationships – by SeemsToBeATrend

28. Ew! That burned my brain! – by Don'tEvenGoThere

29. It's probably not like that, he just wants to protect his little girl – by CaringFather

30. Or he just a selfish prick that doesn't want the boyfriend to get so much action – by KeepYourHandsOffMyGirl

31. What if the father opposed to their relationship because he wants her boyfriend- by IfICan'tHaveHimYouCan'tEither

32. Your mother attack your boyfriend because he loves you – by JealousBitch

33. Wow you're boyfriend has everyone fighting for him – by WhatACatch

34. But her mom only thinks of him as a little brother – by NoHarmfulResults

35. Umm... brother / sister relationship – by SeeAboveEntry

36. Yea, Selena said "He's like my little brother. That's weird to me." about Justin Bieber, and now look they are dating! – by PerfectExample

37. This is worse than a love triangle! – by It'sALoveSquare

38. Not really, squares are suppose to be equal, it's more of a messed up rectangle – by UnfairDistributions

39. Let's see, we have the mother/father, mother/boyfriend, girlfriend/ boyfriend, daughter /father. - by PrettyEvenPairs

40. Forgot the boyfriend / father – by OffBalanceAgain

41. Holy shit, if this was plotted on a relations diagram it would form a web! – by YeaThatBad

42. At least it's not like King Lukengu, he had 800 wives and who knows how many children – by PalesInComparison

43. Compare it a monk, single, just preaching in a temple, far, far away, from all this drama – by EmbraceTheCarefree

44. Must it be compared by the worse extremes, normal families form a tree – by TheSimplicityOfNormal

45. Don't compare it to normal, the parents are so against them yet they're made fake ID's – by FairlyTwisted

46. They might be trying to be normal by sending them off so the couples aren't distracted – by JustGetLostKids

47. Who cares! Just take the fake ID's and money and travel the world – by BonVoyage


	13. Mike Newton 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own FML or Twilight (Breaking Dawn) that's by Stephenie Meyer**

FML Twilight

Today, I found an old ticket stub from, Crosshairs, the old zombie movie from 2 years ago, while cleaning my room. It reminded me about the horrible date I had with my crush. It was suppose to be a group thing, but everyone bailed and I thought I was going to get lucky but she brought her younger sophomore friend, who turns out to be huge! In of movie both of us were fighting for her attention and lay our hands out, she didn't take his but she didn't take mine either. Then I had to pull my hand out first because I felt sick and ran to the washroom to puke. When I finally came out she was hand in hand with the other guy, and when we left and he was making fun of me! I got kicked out of the theater with an empty popcorn bucket. Then next time we hung out was when I was invited to her wedding along with my on and off girlfriend. FML.

By: Mickey

Comments:

1. Buddy, you clean your room? – by RealMenDon't

2. Mine looks like a tornado struck, shit flung everywhere – by DomesticHurricaneKatrina

3. Eww, zombie movies are lame, it's all the same, weird disease causes people to become flesh eating zombies, a group of people try to escape they die one by one, blah, blah, blah – by BeenThereSeenThat

5. Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Diary of the Dead, Return of the Dead – by Hollywood'sGoneBrainDead

6. 28 Days Later... – by CouchZombie

7. Why do you still have the ticket stub? – by PackRat?

8. You can be on the reality TV show: Hoarders – by TheNextStar

9. Everyone bailed, except her – by GreatOpportunity

10. They don't want to be seen with you! – by SheMissedTheMemoPlan

11. That girl is one tough cookie – by Don'tNeedAMan

12. Wow, fighting over a girl with a sophomore – by HowLowCanYouGo?

13. Anyone can be better than this guy – by NoCompetition

14. He only withdrew first because he was sick – by WeakStomach

15. What a wuss, he had to vomit over a overly dramatic fake movie – by LackingSomeBalls

16. You're shocked to catch them together after you're manly performance? – by NoSurpriseThere

17. That's what you get when you leave the girl – by TheOtherManGetsHer

18. Burned by a junior – by That'sSad

19. "Well you sure left an impression and an unforgettable date, no matter how hard I try" – by LB'sDiss?

20. Your picture should be under the definition of LOSER – by NewDictionary

21. You're so weak, you couldn't get a hold on your stomach, if you beat an egg, we'd all be surprised– by OohOwnage

22. Your father must have been a horrible drive because your mother didn't make it to the hospital and had you on the highway! – by That'sWhereMostAccidentsHappen

23. Every man has the right to be unmanly, but you abused the privilege – by OnTooManyOccasions

24. She's I mean *he's* such a pansy – by PardonMyLanguage

25. No she's is correct – by WhatASissy

26. Actually 5 year old girls are even more manlier than him, they at least cover their eyes at the scary parts, he runs away – by ScaredyCatsAreBraver

27. I'm sure you puking your guts out, scared them more than the movie – by LivingNightmare

28. How embarrassing getting kicked out with a popcorn bucket –by PaperBagOverHead

29. People stop being mean, we all fuck up sometimes – by WeAreJustHuman

30. Well, if he didn't want people dissing him, he should not post it –by BuyADiary

31. His stupidness is pretty funny, it could turn into a book – by DearDairy

32. It's already been done and turned into a movie – by DiaryOfAWimpyKid

33. You should read it, well if you're smart enough to read, you seem kind of retarded – by ItDedicatedToYou

34. Well if you're can't comprehend the big words, watch the movie – by MentallyChallenged

35. This is cyberbullying! – by WiredSafety

36. WARNING: Unacceptable comments will be removed and accounts frozen – by ProfanityFilter

37. Amazing you got invited to the wedding – by Wouldn'tWantYouThere

38. Did she marry the sophomore? – by TheBetterMan

39. No, she married me – by CampingMishaps

40. You knocked her up on the camping trip? – by PoliceSwan

41. NO! DAD! STOP! – by BrokenBells

42. Unfortunately, she married her ex-boyfriend – by SecondBest

43. Ah, nice name – by ItMatches

44. Sorry, bro that just sucks – by StolenFromYou

45. Not really he has me - by FamilyAffairs

46. Oh are you the bride's sister? – by NextInLine

47. Uh, no I'm her daughter – by FamilyAffairs

48. Haha okay there – Where'sThePunchline?

49. APRIL FOOLS – by ThereItIs

50. It's Provincial Day - by BuyACalendar

51. OMG this is the same guy, that dissed the girl about her initials BS – by ConnectTheDots

52. What she actually went out with him? – by She'sTooNice

53. Too nice is his current girlfriend – by AtLeastSometimes

54. It's a miracle you even have an on and off relationship – by PraiseHallelujah

55. Ha! I fucking knew it would be a disaster! – by KeepMeUpdatedNoMore


End file.
